Something to ponder upon...

I was just here in my room all day...well not actually...someone visited me...whoelse? Christian...Viray... asking me the same question...and i haven't given him a straight answer...well, i was ablle to shout it out, but i don't really know if i meant all of it...right now we're doing fine as friends or as i call it...some things changed between us...specially the way i treat him now...it's too bad...we had a lot of fun years together, but look at how we ended up...friends...or maybe at least for me we're friends...almost everyone close to us knows how we are right now, the bewildering situation we are in is not really something to hide...i guess most people still questions my decision, well, i haven't really made one, but what it seems to many, that i have...
sigh...i pity Christian for commiting so many mistakes in his life... i was there, suppose to be guiding him, but i can't, maybe it just had to happen... i don't hate him for hurting me several times, but i would be a hypocrite if i don't confess that i felt hatred for him once or twice, after all, I was still able to forgive him...and i think he suffered enough and got more than what he deserved...but the question right now is..."will i still be able to accept him after all?"

i'm so twisted...i can't deny that the feeling never left, it was just over-powered by hatred and and pain...it haunted me like hell...sigh...but i can't really see myself coming back, getting back to where i used belong...

what if i am not really meant to...?what if...

my year ender sharing...

What a year!!…hehe…here’s something that I realized only now, it’s been a real excruciating year for me…haaaaaay…all the troubles, heartbreaks, new people, new experiences and so on…

If I am to spell out everything that happened to me this 2004, this posting wouldn’t be enough, aside from the fact that I am not really capable of doing that (ulyanin po kc c dottie, my true friends knows that..harhar). Well, still, there are some things that are fresh from my mem’ries, like it only happened yesterday… and I would be glad to share them with you…hope you don’t mind…
Well, I think the most controversial and the happiest yet exhilarating moments in my life happened when Christian and I got back together last January, well, it’s actually December, but you know how it goes…gnun tlaga eh…then ironically, we broke up again after several blissful and at the same time painstaking months…well…haaaay…you know the story and I don’t need to elaborate on it…
I’ve tasted the pain of loosing and wanting to fight back, yet holding back because of love and pity…pity not to myself, but to the people who hurt me in any sense…poor people…I used to think that they would get what they deserved, yet I realized that maybe life is just the way it should be, fair…
So as we go on… there were several things I’ve learned after those I consider as struggles of my life… “never hang on to anything that long…” I’m not saying that I became bitter or anything after that, it’s just that, for me, it would be better to get hold of yourself or most probably of your own feeling for you not to regret things after a long while…
I almost thought that it was the end for me, until I got up, through the help of those people who were there during my darkest hour… I’m sure they know who they are…thanks again…
Meeting new people, doing things I don’t usually do, getting to spend time with friends whom I never thought would matter to me and me getting a bit of their concern… those are only few… I always thought that new people would not be that easy to cling with, but this time it proved me wrong, instead, it gave me the best times of my life…
Having fun and spending quality time with friends were good, learning how to drive, singing with friends and best friend at a videoke room, watching movies, it all made me forget a lot of things, my problems, my heartbreak and it simply made me forget about him…about what he is doing, whom he is with at that time, but the worst part is… when you arrive home and suddenly the laughter stops and all you hear is the quiet whisper of the wind as you walk your way home… abruptly, it all comes back to you… the pain never really left…it was just set aside by laughter and mirth…imagine that…how painful…

As we say…after the darkness, there will be light… how come the light would always mean him coming back? Couldn’t it just mean a new life for me… since September I haven’t been feeling the same… it’s like everything’s back to normal, or has anything really changed… don’t worry people, I also get tired of having to forgive and being back to my old stubborn and martyr self…well, the forgiveness should remain, only the forgiveness…

I guess most people can see right now what is happening and probably they won’t understand, but I assure you people, I have my reasons…I do..

Going back, after 4 months of mourning and hurting people by becoming “a little” bitter to the point of pushing people away and closing the windows of opportunities of having new people take part in my troubled life. Here I am, getting back on the same horse that threw me off several times…pathetic!
Until now I do ask myself, when will I decide? When it’s to late to make him see that I’m tired of getting back and being thrown again… some people can’t see my confusion, some people judges me though I haven’t really made my decision… yes, they do care for me, and I appreciate that…but the real reason why I’m still here and why are all here amidst everything we encounter… God, and I’m proud to say that He was with me all through out…

So… you might ask…that’s it?

Hell no!!!

There’s still 2005 right? And things might be worst or hopefully I’ll be able to achieve what I’ve been longing for all this time…that’s just a piece of it actually, words just can’t depict everything…

Happy New Year To All and Godbless!!!